


love falters

by RubiconFiction



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Protective David Rossi, Sad Spencer Reid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29660496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubiconFiction/pseuds/RubiconFiction
Summary: He loved her. Truly loved her in a way that overwhelmed him.And when that love was ripped away, what really remained?Scars. The scars are back. They're deeper. Redder. Angrier.OR,A character study of Spencer's depressing track record with love.
Relationships: Ethan/Spencer Reid, Maeve Donovan/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & David Rossi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	love falters

**Author's Note:**

> Reposting this because I deleted it in an impulse. Got a very love hate relationship with this. Wrote it in 40 mins at 1 at night.

When Spencer was ten he saw his father walk out. That was the first time he saw love falter. 

When Spencer was thirteen, Kathy Brookes told him she had a crush on her. She was pretty. She invited him to the field in the lunch break. They didn't kiss. She said it was a prank and the football team tied him to a goalpost. That was the second time he saw love falter. 

Spencer is eighteen and on his second PhD. He's rooming with Ethan who's attractive and intelligent and studying music of all things. They stay up for hours every night and talk about everything under the sun. Not once does he bring up the scars on Spencer's arms. He runs a finger through over them lightly, eyes softening and squeezes Spencer's hand tenderly. Four weeks later they have sex. It's nice. 

"Ethan?"

"Hmm?"

"Are we boyfriends?"

"Would you like to be?"

"I think so". 

"Me too". 

Spencer meets Jason Gideon and decides to try out for the FBI. It's his calling, he tells Ethan. 

"You're smarter than me you know? They'll love you at the BAU", Spencer tells Ethan over the phone one day. 

"I know", Ethan smiles. "But I'm not built for all that, Spence. You are". 

"I wish it were different", Spencer says after a while. 

"Me too". 

Ethan doesn't follow him to Quantico and they don't meet until years later when Spencer's on drugs and the scars have multiplied.

Did this count as love faltering? Spencer's not sure. 

  
Spencer is thirty three and the live of his life is dead. Maeve. Beautiful, smart, generous Maeve. 

Spencer's been hurt before. But not like this. Nothing like this. Not in the way his heart feels like lead and the world feels like acid.  
He had never loved like this before either. He loved her. Truly loved her in a way that overwhelmed him. 

And when that love was ripped away, what really remained?

Scars. The scars are back. They're deeper. Redder. Angrier. 

He returns back to work eventually because the scars start scaring him. 

"It's going to take time", Hotch says. 

"How much time?" 

Hotch's face softens, "It's difficult to say". 

  
Reid zones out more often than not now. He dances with Maeve and talks Hemingway with her. It's his solace now. 

"Looks like you're rooming with me, kid", Rossi's voice pulls him out of the library he was dancing in. 

"Hmm?"

"You're rooming with me".

"Oh". But Spencer doesn't get up. He wants to keep dancing in Maeve's embrace, head tucked against her shoulder. 

Dave places a hand on Spencer's shoulder.   
"Spencer, let's go". His face looks sad. 

It isn't until he's in the room that he realises Dave has already carried his bag in. 

Dave wants to talk, Spencer's sure of it. About the scars? He hasn't exactly been concious of hiding them. The thought terrifies him. 

"Spencer?" Dave's voice seems to confirm his fear. "Can we have a chat?"

"Why?" His voice is sharp. Acid. His voice is like acid. 

Something flashes in Dave's face and the man is filled with an overbearing sense of melancholy. 

"I think we should", he replies kindly.   
Spencer doesn't have it in him to argue. He sits on the bed and pulls his knees up.   
Dave seems nervous and waits for a minute before speakings. 

"Can I see them?" He asks eventually, voice gentle, like tending to a wounded child. Because that's what Reid was. Wounded. "I just need to make sure they're not infected", he adds after a few seconds. 

"You know they're not", Reid replies shortly.   
Rossi does know. 

"Spencer...", Dave begin again tentatively.

"This has to stop. You know you can't do this". 

Reid suddenly wants to cry. Really, really wants to cry. 

"I'm sorry", he whispers out and tears well up. 

Dave reaches out and places both hands on the other man's shoulder and gives the slightest tug. Reid goes limp and rests his head against the older man's collarbone. Dave's hand cups the back of Spencer's head. Spencer's shoulder starts shaking at the intensity of the tears as soft sobs fill the atmosphere. 

" _Dave_ "

Dave starts stroking Spencer's hair and runs his hand over his shoulders. "I know, kid. I know". 

Spencer doesn't really ever heal completely. The scars eventually stop forming but the emotional fractures don't truly recover. 

He never quite loves again the way he loved Maeve either. 

But in the midst of it all, he regains himself just enough to trick himself into never falling too deep into those scars again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think? Drop a comment or two if you'd like.


End file.
